Letting the Love in to Find “Home”
Unlike my early gay life, I’m now able to let the love in and enjoy "home" wherever I am.
After 14 days of travel and a second night’s sleep in my own bed, I sat alone on the edge of my bed for a ten-minute guided meditation using an app. The teacher suggested that I “Breathe in ‘I am,” and breathe out ‘home.’”
During my exhale, the center of my chest swelled with euphoria, and my cheeks became wet with happy tears. I noticed that the dream of sharing space with people whose smiles meant “I love you” had come true in many, many ways.
For many queer people, after puberty, the first real sense of home and family they feel is found with their chosen families because their bio families can’t cope with their sexuality. That was certainly true for me.
In 2002, when I was estranged from my bio family, The Pet Shop Boys helped me notice the love coming from my chosen family with their song “Here” on their album Release.
“We all have a dream
Of a place we belong
The fire is burning
And the radio's on
Somebody smiles
And it means “I love you.”
But sometimes, we don't notice
When the dream has come true”
It’s important to recognize and let the love in. If not, you get to be right, but you don’t get to be happy.
We can stay stuck in our righteous bitterness towards our bio families. It was certainly a motivating force in my life for a long time. Fuck them! They don’t understand me!
I now see that painful model of family, that model of love, became attached to most of the intimate relationships in my life.
At work, I had trouble with authority. Fuck them! They don’t understand me! With my boyfriends, I had an unhealthy vision of what love looked like. Fuck them! They don’t understand me! With myself, Fuck me! I’m unloveable! I might as well settle for what I can get.
With the help of the Pet Shop Boys, therapy, and any self-reflection process or retreat I could attend, I slowly learned to open my heart and trust some chosen family who truly loved me. That made it possible for me to consider a question from one of them nearly 20 years ago.
“When are you going to accept your parent’s lifestyle?” That hit hard.
Revisiting my bio-family with that attitude, an attitude of acceptance, led to an acceptance from them that I did not think possible. It turns out the Pet Shop Boys lyrics applied to my bio family as well.
You've got a home here
Call it what you want
You've got a home here
You're gonna want it when you can't
Face the world and you need
Some support to succeed
You've got a home
I spent the first week of travel visiting my bio family, helping my mom transition to a new home now that my father has passed, as well as a wedding for my brother/cousin. Yep. Brother/Cousin. Another form of chosen family. Another chance for love in my life.
We had many occasions to love each other through shopping, moving boxes, rides to and from the airport, dancing with straight people, and saying the words out loud. I love you. I love you. I love you.
With only one night’s sleep in my own bed, the second week of travel was spent on a big gay Atlantis Cruise with members of my chosen family and 2,500 other queer family members I had yet to meet.
Today’s tears were a realization that the dream of love and home had come true for both my chosen and bio families.
My larger chosen family is now feeling a lot of pain because of a breakup within our group. I want them to hear the lyrics as well.
We all make a mess
Of our lives from time to time
It's part of the process
That you stumble as you climb
And if you ever feel
The pain is far too big a deal
I say with pride
I'll be on your side
On the Royal Caribbean Atlantis Cruise dance floor with my chosen family, we looked into each other’s eyes, which meant, “I love you.” We then wrapped our arms around each other, put our lips to each other’s ears, and said the words as well: I love you, I love you, I love you. Love all around. As the music pulsed and boys fucked we allowed the magic of our sacred space to bring us together.
So here’s some advice from an old (58-year-old) gay. Notice the love in your life. Find a trusted source by having an open heart. Listen to that person and use it to expand your bitter gay Grinch heart. You deserve ALL the love.
You're gonna want it when you can't
Face the world and you need
Some support to succeed
You've got a home
You've got a home