Brotherhood is Earned

We ALL need to give as much as we get, listen as much as we talk, and think of others as much as we think of ourselves.

Brotherhood is seeing yourself reflected in the values and lifestyles of other men and working shoulder-to-shoulder with them toward a common cause. Your contributions feed the group dynamic, and the group dynamic feeds your mojo as a result.

In my quest for belonging, I’ve often tried to create a sense of brotherhood out of thin air. I thought I only needed a name for the group, a list of values, and an open door. 

I was wrong. 

After spending a magical week with eleven other men at an Airbnb in Puerto Vallarta to celebrate a friend’s 40th birthday over PV Pride, it became clear to me what I had been missing when trying to create brotherhood in the past.  

Only invite men to the group whose personality is group-focused, not me-focused.

Finding a gathering of group-focused men like that is rare. 

Because the host is less damaged than I am regarding what love looks like, he didn’t need the rest of this essay to figure out who was right for the group and who wasn’t. He just selected men with similar values around personal responsibility, bathhouses, slings, sex, and drugs. 

Most importantly, and this is where I have gone wrong in the past, he selected housemates who were consistently low to no drama. 

In the past, I looked for brotherhood in the leather community. I won some leather contests and joined some existing leather groups, but those experiences drained my mojo. I found those groups filled with broken-wing types who spent more time telling the group how their special needs were not being met than they did adding value to the group’s mission. 

I had that same mojo-draining experience when I started a group called the LA Band of Brothers. I also felt it after creating and participating in a ritual that bound me, my then-husband, and another couple together. 

Back then, I did not know the difference between dependent, independent, and interdependent behavior. Thank you, Stephen Covey and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. 

---

Dependent guys need help with everything their parents used to do for them—showing up on time, paying bills, and cleaning up their messes. 

Independent guys don’t need anything from anyone—they keep their jobs, pay their bills, and clean up their own messes. 

Interdependent guys do all the stuff independent guys do but allow vulnerability, empathy, and boundaries to make them excellent team players. 

The Airbnb was filled (mostly) with interdependent guys. 

All humans are born in dependent mode, reliant on adults to provide everything needed for survival. 

Most gay adults are stuck in independent mode. 

Neither type is great at team activities because they have not developed the vulnerability, empathy, and boundaries that make interdependent brotherhood possible. 

Brotherhood = Vulnerability + Empathy + Boundaries

---

Dependent Guys 

As I said above, we’re all born this way, totally dependent on others for food, safety, and direction. It’s normal and natural unless it lasts beyond high school. 

Men stuck in this mode are condemned to the life of a baby bird: demanding sustenance, knowing only how to complain, and completely dependent on forces outside themselves to provide physical, emotional, and spiritual satisfaction. 

Without the ability to internalize their responsibility for their own lives, they suffer while demanding that the world provide them with happiness. 

They drain the life out of a party by demanding to be the center of attention. 

They show little interest in acknowledging the consequences of their actions or cleaning up the messes they create. 

They are ME centered. 

LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I NEED. I NEED. I NEED. 

Those of us who are keeping it together get pissed when guys like that detract from the flow of the party with their incessant focus pulling. 

We ALL need to give as much as we get, listen as much as we talk, and think of others as much as we think of ourselves. 

If that’s not you, don’t be surprised when you aren’t invited to the party. 

Pull your shit together. Find guys and/or professionals willing to guide you in the right direction and take their advice until you can think of someone other than yourself. 

Until then, it’s better for us to step back until you’ve pulled it together long enough to be teachable.

Independent Guys

It takes a long time for most gays to feel safe in the world. 

Most gays learn early on that the situations and people causing our tighty whities to swell are different than our non-gay contemporaries. No, I didn’t notice Julie’s tits, and I don’t care about the location of the girl’s showers. 

We don’t get to sort out our sexual lives the way non-gay kids do by talking to parents at home, guidance counselors at school, or peers while smoking a joint by the football field. “I like to stick corn cobs up my ass, and I hope that makes it easier to take a big cock someday” is not something I discussed with anyone.

So, it makes a lot of sense that so many of us are “lone wolf” independent guys.  

We had to figure everything out on our own. 

For me, it was a hard road from rejected, sweet Mormon kid to independent gay, kinky fucker, but I made it. I learned to live without the church, without my parents, and without the supportive protections of my government. 

Not needing anyone is a form of protection. It’s a reprieve from tiptoeing through the landmine-filled vistas of family, school, and church officials who claim to love you while telling you your love and cravings for another dude are evil. 

I’m grateful for that experience because it forced me to grow out of dependence into independence.

I learned how to make my own money, support myself, find affirming therapy, take responsibility for the consequences of my actions, and clean up my own messes. 

Retreating to our own island of fierce independence, population one, can be the first time we ever feel safe. 

But it’s lonely. 

There is no brotherhood. 

And that hurts. 

Interdependent Guys

To advance to the next level, to win all the love, belonging, and camaraderie of brotherhood, we are required to take chances with our hearts and trust others. 

Brotherhood requires us to rely on the talents of other men and for them to rely on our talents. Think of the bridge of any Star Trek episode: diverse talents engaged in a common goal. 

Trusting others (vulnerability), establishing your limits (boundaries), and putting yourself in another’s shoes (empathy) are all required for interdependence (Brotherhood). 

Brotherhood = Vulnerability + Boundaries + Empathy

Nearly every member of the Puerto Vallarta group possessed those qualities in abundance. 

When we were told on-site that we’d get just one towel each, there was enough empathy for the guy who booked the house to just laugh it off and accept it. No drama explosions demanding cum towels to be provided.

Halfway through the week, one guy just washed everyone’s towels without being asked.

Although we had no chefs, we had the courage and vulnerability to take turns cooking breakfast for ourselves. We all enjoyed the successes and remained politely quiet the morning I made oversalted eggs.

No lectures were given or required for the dishes to be done. They just kept getting washed by different guys in the group.

When hard dicks came out, which is to be expected in a houseful of mostly naked gays, non-verbal cues saying both yes and no were respected and embraced.

Toward the end of the week, when one of the group had a dramatic outburst in town, it was quickly addressed with boundaries and empathy.

Since the host selected interdependent travel companions, the challenges we faced together tightened our bonds because our empathetic natures let us support each other’s happiness rather than rail about the things that were not perfect.

We all made an effort to support what was good for the group.

These men had done the internal work required to have something to offer the group.

That’s how brotherhood is earned.